What if
by Prncssanime
Summary: What if the one and only person you ever loved walked out of your life because you told them to. Would you regret it? What if that person turned up on your doorstep 16 years after they walked out of your life, half dead? Post HPB
1. Prologue

I do not own Harry Potter or anything contained within those lovely, glorious books. J.K. Rowling does, not me.

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What if the one and only person you ever loved walked out of your life because you told them to? Would you regret it? I can't say that I do or don't. I know I did what was right, and that there would have been severe consequences had I done otherwise. I knew our relationship just couldn't work, at least at that time. Everything was so complex and dangerous, because of that I can't regret it. And yet, in some weird subconscious way I do. He was the one for me. Some people wait their whole lives to meet their soul mate and ironically I met mine at age eleven. We were able to grow up together. Sure we each had our own flurry of crushes, though we kept returning to one another. When I was sixteen he asked me to go steady with him, and I agree. It felt so right, and yet the times were so wrong.

We all make bad choices, and yet his were far worse than I ever could have imagined. Even now I still shudder at the memory of what he did. He acted out of jealousy, anger, and immaturity. Though I begged for him to stop, he wouldn't, well couldn't. Once he made the first choice there was no way out, except maybe death. When we were nineteen, he proposed, and I agreed. I feared for him and our future enough to say no, but couldn't because I was so attached to him. We never got married though. Things went from bad to worse, and tearfully I asked him to leave for both of our sakes. If he failed, they would come after me. Neither of us could live with that. No, we were safer apart.

Eventually he turned his life around, though it put him at an even greater risk than before. Thankfully the war ended, although he was far worse off than ever before. There were trials and imprisonments. Eventually he gained his freedom and went to work at our old school, and I went on with my life as well. I worked for the Ministry making potions and salves, mostly of the healing nature for the Auror Department. I was no healer, but I was a damn good potion brewer. Everyone told me my life was perfect. I had admirers, scores of them, yet only one man held my heart. I was told I was pretty, talented, and successful. How could I be unhappy? But if my life was so great why did I cry myself to sleep more often than naught? Sure I had everything. I was just missing someone.

What if you found the one you were destined to be with, only to lose them because you told them to leave? What if you had everything except for love? What if the love of your life turned up on your doorstep, sixteen years after they walked out of your life, half dead?


	2. Chapter 1

I do not own Harry Potter or anything contained within those lovely, glorious books. J.K. Rowling does, not me.

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Chapter 1

It was a relatively ordinary night. It was calm, clear, and quiet. I had just gotten out of the bathroom after a long soak in the tub while reading the Daily Prophet. I never had time to read the paper before ten pm or so any more. The Ministry had kept me so busy lately brewing potions, antidotes, and salves that I hardly saw the light of day anymore. I went into work at five am each morning long before the sun had come up, and I was usually home after nine pm, well into twilight. Normally I would just trudge off to bed. It was nearly eleven at night. I had tomorrow off, but I found that if I didn't stick to my normal routine I'd be bitchy for the next few days. My colleagues were under enough stress already, they didn't need me barking at them and nearly ripping their head off because I was cranky.

For some reason though tonight was different. I wasn't tired at all, nor did I just want to lie down until I feel asleep. I felt restless, and somewhat anticipative. Like I knew something was amiss somewhere. Not that there was a day when something wasn't happening anymore. Daily attacks had been occurring since dear Professor Dumbledore had passed on. No, not passed on, was murdered, by his hand. I still can't comprehend what happened that night just a few short weeks ago. I thought that things were different now. That he had finally gotten over his sordid and angst ridden past. I guess I was wrong.

I walked down stairs to my kitchen to make a pot of tea when I heard what I though was an injured animal cry. Always the animal lover, I walked towards the back of my house and my herb garden to investigate. Slowly I opened the door, noting that the cry was getting fainter. There on my back door step was Severus Snape, my one time fiancé and soul mate.

He was horrifically injured. In reality he should have been in St. Mungo's or any hospital at any rate. Even then his prognosis would have been grim. I silently chided myself, he couldn't go there, he was a wanted man. Common sense dictated that I call an Auror or the Ministry immediately, yet I couldn't bring myself to do that. Especially after I saw the words etched into the flesh of his arm where his dark mark used to be: traitor. So he had gone back to spying. He was being honorable then. That still didn't excuse murder. Carefully I levitated him into my home. I had taken to carrying my wand at all times. I felt safer somehow this way. I brought his limp and lifeless form into my workshop. Normally I used this for personal potion brewing and for my research and experimentation, but right now it was a makeshift infirmary to care for my love.

I will never claim to be a healer, but after about two grueling hours I had gotten his wounds to either heal up or at least stop bleeding. He still had many open cuts and burns but at least they weren't as life threatening. His breathing was still terribly shallow. It would be a miracle if he made the night. After I finished bandaging the last wound I carefully levitated him again and brought him upstairs to my room. The guest rooms were shut off and distant from my own room. If he took a turn for the worse I wanted to be close by to try and save him. He winced and let out a weak cry as I set him down and covered him. It was the first movement and noise he had made in nearly two hours. For about another hour I sat by the bed till I could keep my eyes open no more. With that I blew out the candle on the nightstand and carefully eased myself next to him, being particularly careful not to bump or jar him. I moved as closely as I could though. I suppose I rationalized it to myself as wanting to make certain that he was breathing alright, in reality I just wanted to be near him for the first time in sixteen years.


	3. Chapter 2

I do not own Harry Potter or anything contained within those lovely, glorious books. J.K. Rowling does, not me.

Thanks for all my review, mor notes on the end. This chapter is dedicated to Roker who had to listen and review and basically got ignored at times (not intentionally) while I was working on this chapter. To him this chapter goes our to. Without furher ado, Ch 2.

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Chapter 2

The world was on fire. As painful as every breath and miniscule movement was, it was good. It meant that he was alive. Severus slowly began regaining consciousness after what felt like an eternity in an endless void of nothingness, pain, and strangely an odd feeling of relief from all the mental stress he had been under lately. Slowly he opened his eyes, and looked around. Initially he was shocked that he wasn't outside in the field where he'd be tortured the night before. He didn't know who exposed him as a spy for the light, but whoever it was had convinced the Dark Lord well enough for him to order Severus' torture and death.

He began to look around the room. He was in a large very comfortable bed that seemed strangely familiar. It only took one look to his left for him to realize why. Right next to him was the only woman he could never forget and never stop loving. "Miyah," he sighed at a barely audible whisper, for that was all the voice he could muster. Almost as if she had heard him, or felt his longing for her she gently smiled in her sleep. She was still as beautiful as the day they had parted. No, he mentally chided himself more beautiful. She had lost he childish face and figure that she had hung onto at nineteen for a more grown up and womanly figure. The soft grey night shirt she wore showed him every curve, without being too revealing. Her perfect porcelain face nearly glowed in the dim light in the room. Her long dark eye lashes and pale eye lids covered the deep and penetrating sapphire blue eyes, which he swore could look right into his very soul. Her hair was a bit shorter now than when they had parted ways. It hung just below her shoulder in long ebony waves. The soft smell of perfume and her soap drifted almost lazily in his nose, intoxicating his senses.

He sighed deeply, mentally reliving the last time they had seen each other and the last word that had passed between them. Why had he been so stupid? He could kick himself, had he firstly been able to move, and secondly not been in near unbearable pain. He sighed deeply again, but this time a little louder, which resulted in the sleeping beauty next to him to awaken.

"Oh, you're awake," stated Miyah with a smile that showed a mixture of relief and joy.

All he could do was nod, the little bit of voice he had betraying him and catching in his throat. He felt almost unworthy to speak to her. She had been his world, his savior, his sanity, his everything. He had turned away from her and left her, and for what? Some stupid revenge for teasing and taunting from some immature git and his gang of friends! He had committed horrible atrocities, and she was the one who was there to hold him when he was sick afterwards. He had tortured people, and she had bandaged his wounds. He had murdered, and she had loved him, and somehow he knew that she still did love him.

She sleepily sat up and began to check the worst of his wounds. By the expression on her face he knew that she was taking a mental inventory of what she needed to treat them. She wore that expression often when brewing a particularity complex or difficult potion. He may have been the top of his class in potions, but she was a mere fraction behind. She seemed to finish checking his wounds and quickly got up.

"I need to get a few things, I'll be right back ok," chirped Miyah cheerily.

He nodded. He was alive. She mentally began thanking every deity she could think of as she went downstairs to get burn ointment, blood replenishing potion, a pain reliever, and fresh bandages. She smiled deeply as she began picking up the items she needed and headed back up stairs. He was safe, and was free of that cursed Dark Mark.

"I'll need to redress you wounds, so this may be a bit painful, I'm sorry in advance" stated Miyah.

"I understand" he replied, barely above a whisper. Her heart leapt at the sound of his voice. She mentally berated herself to stay calm and care for his wounds first before she turned into a willy-nilly love sick girl. She worked as quickly as possible, so as to get done so she could speak more with him, and also to try and minimize his pain and discomfort.

"Thank you, for…everything," Severus quietly stated when she had finished.

"Oh, um, it was nothing really," Miyah replied blushing.

"You didn't have to. I don't deserve it. You should have left me for dead, everyone else would have."

"Well I guess that I'm not everyone else, am I?" She tossed her head a bit and grinned as she said this. Miyah had always been one of those people who was proud of the fact that she was different. She didn't march to the beat of her own drummer, she was her own drummer.

"I still don't deserve it after what I did, especially what I did to you."

"The past is done and over, we all made and continue to make our own daily mistake. What's left for us today is to pick up the good that is left and live today to its fullest."

"Miyah, I…" he stammered

"Yes, Severus?"

He looked lost for a second then closed his eyes in resignation that he would never be able to say what he really meant.

"Miyah, I…" he was cut of this time by Miyah's lips and she gently kissed him. This sweet, gentle kiss like so many they had shared as adolescents confirmed to him that she really did still love him and quelled all doubt that had prevented him from seeing and telling her so. The kiss lasted only for a few seconds and ended, but left both adults blushing like children caught having their first kiss.

"Miyah, I love you, I always have and always will," he stated firmly and resolutely, as if he had thought of nothing but that for the past sixteen years.

Ok, a few notes, alrighty, good! This chapter is dedicated to Rocker who listened to me go on about how nice it is to write, as I ignored him (not intentionally).

Secondly a pronunciation note:

Miyah is pronounced my –ah. MMkkkk?

Please review and feed my starving plot bunnies. They will work for reviews.

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A few notes: 

First yes I am evil I love cliff hanger, again please feed the plot bunnies. Reviews make me write faster, then you can find out what happens.

Secondly a pronunciation note:

Miyah is pronounced my –ah. MMkkkk?


	4. Chapter 3

I do not own Harry Potter or anything contained within those lovely, glorious books. J.K. Rowling does, not me.

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Chapter 3

"_Miyah, I love you, I always have and always will," he stated firmly and resolutely, as if he had thought of nothing but that for the past 16 years. _

The room was spinning. He just said that he loved me. I could only smile outwardly. Inwardly I felt as if I would collapse. I had to collect myself and fast. I would not let him see me turn into some foolish swooning girl. I was the "practical" no nonsense type of girl, and quite frankly I was afraid of how he might react. It had been so long since I had spoken and spent time with him. Whereas I used to be able to nearly predict every action and reaction he made, now I was in the dark. I liked my world being orderly and predictable. Like a common potion, that I would brew on a daily basis. Routine and simple is how I liked to live my life. Now I was willingly casting myself into the unknown. I inwardly sighed and began to get up. Just because today was my day off didn't mean that I had nothing to accomplish.

"I'll go make breakfast then I need to go and run a few errands, is that alright?" He nodded in agreement. I pulled on a robe and began to walk out of the room.

Once down stairs I made my way into the kitchen and began to whip up some eggs. Oh what a predicament I have myself into now. The ministry wanted Severus to go heaven knows only what to before throwing him in Azkaban and throwing away the key, and the Death Eaters can't be too pleased that he escaped, even if his chances for survival at the time were slim to nil. I was alone with the person who I loved more than anything or anyone else in the world and yet, I was so unsure of the future that it scared me. I had no one to help me. I couldn't talk to anyone about this. If I did Severus would be off to be tortured for information, and at the best I would lose my job and spend a few months in Azkaban for harboring a fugitive.

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_Severus' POV_

She had closed the door when she left. My heart was still racing from my confession to her. Though I would never doubt that it was how I honestly felt, I still could hardly believe that I actually said it to her. I was anxious about her momentary stunned reactions, but overjoyed by the acceptance and love that I felt from her. It was almost too good to be true. I was half expecting to wake up any moment now in my own bed at Hogwarts to another average day of teaching, grading, and watching children. I nearly snorted in indignation. There would be no more of that for me. Not since I had to carry out that god forsaken plan. Why me? I have never had anything but total and utter confidence in Dumbledore's plans before. This one broke the mold though. Oh, I knew the day would come that I would have to go through with it. I knew for nearly a year. I still could not comprehend the twist and turns though that fate would throw at me to take me from my bed at Hogwarts to a field where blood fed the plants, to here, the only place I had ever truly meant calling home.

Suddenly the door opened and Miyah stepped in carrying a tray of food. She had made a simple yet filling breakfast of eggs, sausage, toast, and fresh fruit, served with tea and coffee.

"Hope you're hungry," stated Miyah.

"Actually, I kind of am" I replied.

"Well then I guess that you'd had better eat up. Do you still take two sugars in your coffee?"

"Yes please. It's been so long since I had coffee, none of the other professors seemed to favor it, and I didn't want to be the only one drinking coffee."

"Well that's a foolish reason if I ever heard one, Severus." She replied with one of her little smiles. She was smiling so brightly and sincerely. She had a look about her though that betrayed that it had been a while since she had smiled so much.

"Well, anyway," she continued, "I have a few errands to run in London. Will you be alright here alone for a few hours? You could get some more rest, which I'm sure that you need judging by the circles under your eyes."

"Of course, I'll be fine," I replied a little to bluntly to which she raised an eyebrow.

"Well then I'll bring up a book or two in case you wish to stay awake, otherwise I'll wake you for supper. Depending on how you are feeling we may eat downstairs in the dinning room." With that she gathered the dishes back onto the tray that she had brought breakfast up on and left the room. I lay back on the pillows enjoying the scent of her soap and perfume. I had snapped at her. It was a habit I had picked up years ago while teaching. It scared many of my more under disciplined students into behaving and doing as they're told. It seemed that the meaner I acted, the more I was respected. That is except for Potter and friends. They just seemed to try and defy me more. Potter and Weasley just goofed off more. Skiving on homework and causing accidents and mishaps every class. Granger was a different story. She was infuriating. Barking instructions at Potter, Weasley, and Longbottom under her breath, and just generally being an insufferable know it all. There was a difference between being brilliant and being a know-it all smart ass. She was the latter.

I head the sound of a shower start in the bathroom next door, and could smell her soap as she washed up to run her errands. The smell was stronger now than ever before. I could ever so faintly hear Miyah singing in the shower. She had such a lovely voice, but yet she almost never sang. I couldn't quite place the song, but it was mellow and melancholy. The sad sweet melody drifted into my fatigued mind and I feel asleep intoxicated by the smell of her soap and perfume, and the sound of her beautiful voice.

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Alrighty notes Time:

Thanks to The Masked Fairy, Bunni, Midnight, Monkey, and all my other Final Prophesy and Last Stand Friends whom I connived into reading thus far. You're comments are a huge help, and my plot bunnies are just gobbling up your reviews. I shall continue to post and write if you still wish to read.

Next note, if you notice any errors in spelling or grammar please let me know so I can fix them. I may be an English major, but I am not perfect. I miss more errors in my own work than when I am proofing for someone else. What can I say I have selective proofing skills.

Third note, if anyone wants to beta for me I will love you forever, and make you pretty banner/pics if you so desire. With that I bid the adieu for now.


	5. Chapter 4

I do not own Harry Potter or anything contained within those lovely, glorious books. J.K. Rowling does, not me.

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Chapter 4

Miyah hopped into the shower letting the steamy hot water rush over her. She found it very relaxing and began to let her mind wander over the past twenty-four hours. Though she had been outwardly calm and relaxed around Severus, inside she was insecure and unsure how to proceed. She had not doubt that he was sincere when he told her that he loved her. That is not what she was insecure about. It was the changes that had occurred with her over the past 16 years that made her second guess everything. Yes she looked the same and may even outwardly act the same, but she had changed so much inwardly that she knew that she was not the same. The old Miyah, the Miyah that Severus had proposed to had been more self assured, a little over confident, and much more ambitious. She had once aspired to be the greatest potion mistress in the world, second only to Severus of course. She had been the girl that had it all together, and was bound to go places and make something of herself. Instead she had become an assistant potion brewer for the ministry, a respectable start but definitely not an end. She had actively searched for a potions master to take her own as an apprentice, but times being as they were no one would. Her ambitions began to die out, but not before she had climbed the rank to head potions mistress of the Ministry. She had failed. She was not nearly the best, but just another mediocre potions mistress. Over the years she had become more introverted and shy, speaking less often to her co-workers and acquaintances. She only had a few friends left who still corresponded with her, and even then it was only through the occasional owl. She was just the empty shell of the woman that she once was. To be quite honest, she was petrified that Severus would see though her outward happy confident guise and reject her. If he did, it would crush what little bit of self she still had.

Miyah got out of the shower and slowly dressed in a set of sage green robes with a slight pink trimming. The color green suited her well, she had been told that numerous times while at Hogwarts. She finished pulling back her long midnight black hair into a low bun and went into the bed room to check on Severus. He was fast asleep with the slightest hit of a smile on his face. She walked across to the other side of the room by the window. There was a window seat there that she often read by. There were numerous book piled on the seat and the floor near the window. She carefully selected two that she believed would intrigue Severus, and walked back toward the bed and set them on the night stand. She leaned over and kissed Severus on the forehead before leaving the room and quietly closing the door.

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Severus awoke several hours later to the sounds of cooking downstairs. He tried to sit up but a sharp pain in his lower back made that very uncomfortable. He looked over towards the clock on the night stand table to see the time. It was 6pm. Dinner probably wouldn't be for another hour he figured. He saw two books near the clock and picked them up examining the titles. They were 'Dark Arts Evolution through the Ages" and "Pervasively Problematic Potions". He was familiar with both books. These were the type of books that became like old friends. Though neither were pleasure reads, both books he had read numerous times until their very words have become engraved into his mind.

He opened "Pervasively Problematic Potions" though he didn't read, rather seeing her flowery handwritten notes on the pages brought back memories of his years with her at Hogwarts.

It had been their 6th year. They had been in Slughorn's OWL Potions class for several months now. He was letting them do preparations a particularly difficult potion that day; Felix Felicis. Not that he expected anyone to succeed. For some reason Slughorn was very pessimistic about their class, though two of the best potions student in the history of Hogwarts were in that very class. No, for you see Slughorn rightly counted on some major prank or disaster to cause chaos and mayhem thus ruining everyone's potions, for the Marauders were in that class. That day Miyah and him had been partnered and sent to work at a back table in the dungeon. She had smiled and immediately set to work.

"So how long do you think we have until Potter and company break open the gates of hell again," she asked.

"About as long as it takes for us to perfectly prepare the potion but not get it bottled up to hand in," he replied.

"Oh well, I guess we'll just have to work quickly then to finish it before they can turn this dungeon on it head won't we?"

"Between the two of us we may yet succeed."

"At least I'm not doing all the work by myself this time. When I work with Lilly she spends half the class flirting with James, so I have to do everything."

"I usually work alone, since there is no one that I will work well with"

"Well, I think we make a great team. Don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess. Hey Miyah, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Three Broomsticks with me on our next Hogsmeade trip?"

"Severus, we always hang out when we have Hogsmeade trips, you're one of my few true friends."

"No, um, I didn't mean it like that."

"Severus, are you asking me out on a date?" he nodded. Well what could he do? By this point his little infatuation with Lilly Evans was long over, and Miyah had become way more than just a friend. They finished the preparation as planned, and surprisingly the Marauders chose to behave that day. That weekend had gone very well for them both. After that they began to spend more time together. Slughorn kept pairing them up, almost as if he was secretly trying to play cupid, although his matchmaking really wasn't necessary. There had been the foundations for their relationship betwixt them long before that fateful potions class.

Severus closed the book, slowly coming back to reality. He and Miyah were no longer sixteen year old love birds, who spent everyday together. They were both very accomplished adults who had been estranged for nearly two decades. He had become more cold and bitter with each passing year, while she seemed to have stayed the same. The fates truly could be cruel and wicked. He may have screw up in the past, but he vowed right then and there that he would not make the same mistakes again. This time he would be the type of man that Miyah deserved. He would work nonstop at it till the day that he could propose to her again without the slightest feelings of guilt over the past. He had a long way to go.

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Alright notes time:

Thank you so much to all my reviewers. My plot bunnies love you all and shall continue to produce to such a loving audience. As always if you notice an error or an inconsistency please tell me. I welcome constructive criticism. I want to make my writing better. So please feel free to let me know what you all think. Domo Arigato ta ta for now.


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